The Pit

ECT seems to have stopped working. I feel like I a slipping back down into this deep pit of depression worse than I have been since I was a teenager being tormented and bullied in school. Just today I slept from 10pm to 5am, then got up watched some shows, talked to my boyfriend and went back to sleep from 7:30am till 3:30pm. I would have probably slept longer if my alarm hadn't gone off telling me to take my thyroid meds at that point. That is a marathon sleep, and something I haven't done in quite a while. I have had to take a small break from ECT and not go to my scheduled appt Monday since there was a schedule conflict with my ride...so I am not sure if the gap from my last treatment on Friday until my next tomorrow Wednesday could be what is making me feel so depressed or if maybe its just not working. They may up the voltage this time and that scares me, since already I am having problems placing peoples faces and remembering things like episodes of TV shows, doc appt times and a bunch of other small but annoying things. It is the singular oddest sensation to see someone post something on Facebook and not remember where you know them from. You know you added them as a friend so you must know them, but its like your  brain is a file cabinet and the smallest (people you haven't known long) files fall through the cracks and you cannot find them no matter how you search and search. I mean how do you approach someone and say "Hey, I am having electroshock therapy and I seem to have forgotten you...who are you?". They aren't complete strangers though, since even if I can't place them or identify them, I still feel that little niggle of recognition in the back of my mind. Its like a slippery clue I can't seem to grab no matter how I dig, I try and concentrate on that feeling to somehow bring it to the surface but it evades me.

Seeing results

This is a brief update, I am too exhausted to do a vlog or long post tonight.

The ECT is starting to work, I am noticing results already. My depression seems to be easing, and I am having brief glimpses of what it must be like to be a normal happy person. I think spending a lot of time with my parents is also helping me feel better, it eases the loneliness.

I will hopefully be more energized tomorrow to make a vlog and explain more of the results.

2 Down

Quick update

Sorry no Vlog, but I spend all Monday asleep at my parents, and today I spent most of the day in the hospital. I guess I had a bad reaction to the muscle relaxant, so I feel like I was hit by a train. I have never been in so much pain, all my muscles are screaming and its miserable. The doctors checked it out and the labs are all clear, so no permanent damage... but it was making me unable to eat or drink since even my face/throat muscles were painful. 

So another session tomorrow, so far no results really besides feeling a bit flighty and out of it, but I am hoping that will change tomorrow with another session

Vlog

                                                         My first Vlog, now off to bed

Calm before the storm

So, today is the eve of my first ECT session. Tomorrow I need to get up at 5:30am to be ready for my mom to come get me and take me to the hospital for ECT at 7am. As I always seem to do, I looked up horror stories on ECT last night and have gotten myself incredibly nervous. Some girl on Youtube said after ECT she developed a type of dyslexia that left her unable to read or write properly, and that one scared me the most. Memory loss I can deal with, was prepared for, but I live my life to write and the only way I can fall asleep at night is with my nose in a book. My life would become immeasurably worse if I suddenly had those two things taken away. Gah, I don't know...it all just is so uncertain and it scares me. The ECT doctors say the only side effect is minor and temporary memory loss, yet so many stories fill the internet of people who had far worse than that happen.

In the midst of all the fear I have to keep telling myself, yes this is scary and may make things worse....but it could also make things so much better. Right now I have no real chance of getting better, not in any long term way, so I literally have nothing to lose. It doesn't stop me from being scared though. The raw facts are, tomorrow I will be put under anesthesia and the doctors will attach electrodes to my skull which will administer an electrical shock directly to my brain causing a grand mal seizure lasting 2 minutes. Before anesthesia and muscle relaxants the strength of the seizure would break bones. I may not be conscious for this, but I still know what will happen and it terrifies me. I think you would have to be insane to NOT be afraid of that.

I will hopefully post my first vlog tonight before bed, just as a before video to show me and how I am. Wish me luck.

My journey

I am 25, and I have never lived a "normal life". I have never held a steady full time job, I have never had friends, I have never been able to truly live.

I have severe Dysthymia and PTSD. Dysthymia is a type of depression that is different from that "common" depression you hear of called "Major Depressive Disorder". The main difference being that people with MDD get relief, their depression is deep but it comes in episodes. My depression, dysthymia, is a constant never ceasing illness that I never escape. People like me with dysthmia tend to be seen as "depressive personalities" since we are always so down it becomes essentially a part of who we are.

I am the exception, as though I have Dysthymia most people overall think I am normal, even bubbly. I smile, I laugh at everything, all because I have to. If I were to let down my mask people would ask me questions I cannot answer. I don't know why I have this, why I have to live like this...but I do.

After being like this my whole life, with only brief moments of normalcy due to strong prescription drugs, I have decided to do something drastic. I am going to do ECT, Electro Convulsive (shock) Therapy. It holds risks, but it also may give me the life I always wanted, a life where I am able to be and do all I wanted. This is my journey