Calm before the storm

So, today is the eve of my first ECT session. Tomorrow I need to get up at 5:30am to be ready for my mom to come get me and take me to the hospital for ECT at 7am. As I always seem to do, I looked up horror stories on ECT last night and have gotten myself incredibly nervous. Some girl on Youtube said after ECT she developed a type of dyslexia that left her unable to read or write properly, and that one scared me the most. Memory loss I can deal with, was prepared for, but I live my life to write and the only way I can fall asleep at night is with my nose in a book. My life would become immeasurably worse if I suddenly had those two things taken away. Gah, I don't know...it all just is so uncertain and it scares me. The ECT doctors say the only side effect is minor and temporary memory loss, yet so many stories fill the internet of people who had far worse than that happen.

In the midst of all the fear I have to keep telling myself, yes this is scary and may make things worse....but it could also make things so much better. Right now I have no real chance of getting better, not in any long term way, so I literally have nothing to lose. It doesn't stop me from being scared though. The raw facts are, tomorrow I will be put under anesthesia and the doctors will attach electrodes to my skull which will administer an electrical shock directly to my brain causing a grand mal seizure lasting 2 minutes. Before anesthesia and muscle relaxants the strength of the seizure would break bones. I may not be conscious for this, but I still know what will happen and it terrifies me. I think you would have to be insane to NOT be afraid of that.

I will hopefully post my first vlog tonight before bed, just as a before video to show me and how I am. Wish me luck.